|
Relationships in the New Millennium....
- The Uncommitable Man
- The Gold Digging Woman
- Careers vs. Home and Family
These and many more statements are being flung about as if some "new reality"
were taking over the planet concerning relationships.
After 35 years of counseling men and women in straight, gay and lesbian romances
— before, during or after the dust settles — I have come to the
realization that there is nothing "new"! There is simply an unwillingness to
follow the "old" common-sense ideas about dating, mating, and relating!
Mother Nature has more to say about relationships than many of you are willing
to acknowledge. Books are coming out weekly espousing neuropeptide bonding,
addictive sexual and otherwise patterned behavior, brain chemistry and
neurological structures, which impact sexual choice. In the past, churches and
governments controlled much in the way of mating and marriage. Today, at least
in the western cultures, romance and individual choice has taken over the
process resulting in happiness for some and misery for others.
Eric Fromm, in his classic book The Art of Loving, speaks of four
requirements for loving skills: (1) it must be a priority in your
life. Today men and women don't "need" to mate and marry; it is only a
preference. Men can cook, clean and live alone. Women, thanks to courageous
leaders in the women's liberation movement, can earn a living and lead
independent lives alone. The "proverbial itch" for sex can be scratched safely
without benefit of marriage. We are now free to choose how, when, who, where,
and why we date, mate, and perhaps marry. All of this spontaneity, I believe,
has led us to chaos.
Another Eric Fromm premise, (2) discipline confronts the chaos
directly. Discipline is either externally or internally applied. In the
"old traditional days" it was externally applied with sanctions, civil and
religious, in support of direct confrontation. Today with few limitations,
internal discipline must govern decisions, but which guru, preacher, teacher,
talk show host, or quasi therapist has the answers? As a rather small fish "Pop
Shrink," I have my own way of putting in my 25 cents worth. I believe that we
are all bound by Mother Nature when it comes to picking a sex partner or life
partner.
As long as two-thirds of males are naturally polygamous, and two-thirds of
females are naturally monogamous, the battle of the sexes will rage on until
women are more committed to themselves as females than entertaining men
sexually, hoping that somehow a man will be more like a woman sexually.
Uncommitability is more a woman's problem than a man's.
In The Art of Loving is (3) the exchange of respect and
cherishing. Respect for one's ideas, wants, thoughts, goals, and
performance, along with a genuine cherishing of one's physical well-being,
feelings, and need to be loved and empathized with, are basic needs for everyone
from childhood through old age. The rub comes in the terms "equally" and/or
"equitably." If each partner wishes to be "equally" respected and "equally"
cherished, a competitive war of needs may take over the dance of love.
In a convenient relationship, i.e. one in which each partner is equally
respected and cherished, there must be some distance based on pragmatic reality.
Two people can "equally" disco but they cannot "equally" waltz. A waltz is much
more intimate but also much more dependent on each partner sacrificing some
personal freedoms for the sake of the dance.
A covenant relationship is one in which one person is designated the respected
leader, either because of personal skills or because the significant other
doesn't want the job. Likewise, the cherished follower is designated as such
because of their temperament needs or because the significant other doesn't want
the job as much.
Unlike the past where women were automatically categorized as the cherished,
helpless, dependent followers of the respected protector provider male, today
either men or women may lead or follow depending on their personal negations
concerning time allocations, space responsibilities, money handling and sexual
or non-sexual play needs. Equity exchanges rather than equality is the new way
of relating.
Last but not least (4) concentration is a keystone in the art of
loving. I believe that the ONLY way we know we love ourselves or anyone
else is by the commitments we are willing to make and keep! The daily,
consistent, attentive keeping of all agreements requires a sacrifice of
narcissistic ego that many are unwilling to make. If you do your half in all
your loving relationships, at least you know you CAN LOVE and you are bound to
find your lovable soul mate one day!
Carl Jung, the great Swiss analyst, believed in spiritual connection between the
feminine (anima) soul in a man and the masculine (animus) soul in a woman. The
animus anchoring the anima by saying no to immoral or unethical requests.
A virtuous woman inspires her man to the best he can be. The anima within a man
needs to express itself through his loving generosity, protectiveness and
cherishing, or he will wallow in self-gratification as a little boy forever.
The waltz of love between the yin (feminine) and the yang (masculine) energizes
and empowers both people, body and soul. Masculine energy gives to get back.
Feminine energy receives and gives back.
In today's free choice, energy exchanges between men and women or men and men or
women and women, only awareness and action can avoid competition and conflict.
Chemistry is given by nature; compatibility is given by life circumstances, but
in the communication of thoughts and feelings, wants and not wants, equity love
can be exchanged in the new millennium.
All excerpts © 1994 Pat Allen, Ph.D. and Sandra Harmon
Dr. Pat Allen's A Lifetime of Love...
| 
