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Excerpts from Dr. Pat Allen's Getting To "I Do"...
There are many thousands of you out there who are successful at work but
find yourselves without a relationship because you are confused by male
and female roles. I will show you the clue you have been missing. I will
tell you ten secrets that will allow you to meet the man you want and
become engaged, very likely in the first year.
If you're a powerful woman, you don't have to change. You just have to
learn how to use your female side to attract men — that is, if you want
to be the female in the relationship. If not, I will teach you how to
get the "right" man who will respect your leadership.
Part One: Before You Go Out the Door....
Although both male and female elements are vital to
the make up of both men and women, I believe that for a relationship to
be healthy and successful these must be reconciled and become
complementary to each other. In other words, there can only be one male
and one female in every relationship.
Which would you rather be?
A successful relationship has three components:
- Chemistry
- Compatibility
- Communication
Successful relationships are an exchange of opposite energies. If you
want your thinking respected first, you will choose to be the "male"
energy. If you want your feelings cherished first you will choose to be
the "female" energy.
You cannot chaotically or spontaneously jump back and forth between the
two energies. That destroys relationships and wears down one or both
people.
The key is to know yourself, know which energy you are comfortable with,
and ground yourself in that choice before you enter a relationship.
In a rational family a woman is taught to love herself first. The
stereotypical image of the self-sacrificing woman is wrong.
One of the most important qualities your masculine man will look for
from you is joyous receptivity. A second thing that a man wants from a
woman is that she be available for him.
Casual, non-contractual sex in a normal woman triggers a bonding that
can verge on physical addiction. This is due to a sexually stimulated
hormone called oxytocin.
To have a loving, sexual, committed relationship all you need is one
respectful, caring person and one cherished, fun person...and it doesn't
matter which is which.
Part Two: How to Attract a Man.
Before you to out there to attract a mate, decide whether you are the
"male" or "female" energy.
If a woman doesn't take care of her body, if she can live in a messy
environment, she is not in touch with her feelings as a woman.
These days you must go out and hunt for romance with the same skill and
determination you would muster to look for a job or an apartment.
Chemistry is not negotiable, but whom you flirt with is. The initial
attraction between two people is chemical. Chemistry is a body-to-body
response.
The more passive a woman is, the more potent she is, because she
attracts a man toward her. A woman is most erotic when she is magnetic.
Since male energy is assertive and female energy is passive, the one who
speaks first is male.
A man needs to feel respected by the woman he is sexually attracted to,
so instead of advice, try offering a man affection and respect. When a
man requires a woman to give, he then becomes the female.
Part Three: The Four Stages of a Relationship
If you mate too soon, you are likely to be condemning the relationship
to a sexual experience rather than to a lovemaking experience. Making
love is a combination of physical chemistry, mental compatibility, and
emotional generosity.
If you're a feminine-energy woman, you can't ask a man to change for
you.
Women have to be patient, and the only way they can do that is to be
anchored in their own self-love.
Women who are interested in marriage must signal men before sex that
they are moving toward marriage, or too often the woman will be hurt and
time will be wasted.
Learn how to talk to your man. You only have three lessons to learn.
They are:
- How to ask for what you want
- How to say "no" to what you don't want without becoming emotional
- How to negotiate with the man in your life so you can hear what he wants (and what he doesn't want)
The relationship commitment takes over where the commitment to a
person ends, because a human being cannot be good enough very day to be
worthy of a commitment from you. But the relationship can be, and it
will keep two committed people together.
How do you get satisfying lovemaking?
- By having good chemistry together
- By sharing a compatible lifestyle
- By verbally communicating all of this to each other
- By agreeing to a commitment of monogamy, continuity and longevity
For many men and women who are phobic about love due to poor early love
training, obsessive, addictive relationships with high levels of pain
seem like love.
Although most of us have some degree of damage that we've had to deal
with, sometimes bad relationships overtake the healthiest of us, or we
fall into them unknowingly.
I urge you never to "demand" marriage. I believe it is better for a
woman to pass a man up that to demand to be married. You must let him
make his own choice. If he wants you enough, he will negotiate. Don't
seduce him with money or sexual generosity, and don't try to intimidate
him with angry edicts.
In marriage, bodies commit sexually and sensually. The mind commits with
money and property and status in the community. When the body and the
mind are committed, you have Like, Love, and Lust, and then — and only
then — is the person in love.
To love and be loved is the ultimate spiritual goal of all good people.
Understand that life is a process, and that our marriages, the way we
live together, the way we communicate, and the way we negotiate all must
change as we do.
All excerpts © 1994 Pat Allen, Ph.D. and Sandra Harmon
Dr. Pat Allen's A Lifetime of Love...
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